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 Post subject: Bancuri si Glume
PostPosted: 02 Aug 2005, 13:15 
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Un tanar preot trebuia sa tina prima lui slujba,drept care era extrem
de emotionat,chiar simtea panica.Superiorul lui,Episcopul,vazandu-l
atat de stresat,l-a sfatuit ca inainte de sa se urce in amvon pentru
predica,sa puna un paharel de vodca in paharul cu apa,ca sa se
relaxeze si sa aiba curaj.Preotului i-a mers nemaipomenit in prima
lui
slujba,dar cand a ajuns acasa a gasit pe masa o scrisoare din partea
Episcopului in care zicea:
- Draga fiule, ma bucur foarte mult ca ti-a mers atat de bine in
prima
ta slujba si ca ai tinut cont de sfatul care ti l-am dat,dar trebuie
sa-ti fac anumite observatii:
1 )din acel pahar cu apa trebuie sa iei mici sorbituri, nu sa-l dai pe
gat dintr-odata;
2 ) in acel pahar cu apa nu se pune nici gheata, nici felii de lamaie,
in plus eu ti-am spus sa pui putina vodca in paharul cu apa, nu
invers...;
3 ) nu se foloseste Biblia ca suport pentru pahar;
4 ) nu poti sa te stergi la gura cu sutana;
5 ) poruncile lui Dumnezeu sunt 10,nu 12;
6 ) iar apostolii sunt 12, nu 10;
7 ) cand vorbesti despre cruce, nu poti sa spuica e acel T-eu mare de
deasupra altarului;
8 ) cand vorbesti despre Isus si apostoli, nu poti spune ca e "Fiul si
banda lui";
9 ) David l-a invins pe Goliat cu o prastie si cu o piatra, nu poti sa
spui ca "i-a zburat capul cu dinamita";
10 ) cand vorbest despre Iuda, nu poti sa-l numesti "bulangiu";
11 ) Tatal, Fiul si Sfantul Duh nu sunt Batranul, Juniorul si Stafia;
12 ) nu e frumos sa-l numesti pe Papa "Nasul";
13 ) Faraonul i-a trimis pe evrei in pribegie, nu in aia ma-sii;
14 ) Eva i-a dat un mar lui Adam,nu i-a cedat...;
15)Magdalena a fost o pacatoasa, nu o c***a;
16 ) apa sfanta se foloseste pentru a binecuvanta, nu pentru a-ti
racori ceafa;
17 ) "casuta" aia este confesionalul, nu toaleta;
18 ) cel de pe cruce era Isus Cristos si nu era Che Guevarra;
19 ) vezi sa ai mereu chiloti pe tine, iar cand e cald evita sa-ti faci aer cu
sutana;
20 ) slujba trebuie sa dureze circa o ora, ci nu doua reprize de 45 de
minute fiecare, iar cel care era asezat langa tine si pe care l-ai
numit "travestit cu fusta rosie", eram eu...


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 03 Aug 2005, 15:14 
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Trei candidati dau examenul de conducere la scoala de politie.
Instructorul care ii examineaza ii intreaba:
-Fiecare sa-si imagineze ca este la munte si ruleaza pe un drum ingust cu 80 km/h. In stanga e muntele, in dreapta e prapastia.
Deodata apar in fata o tanara si o batranica. Ce calcati?
-Baba, ca e pacat de pustoaica, raspunde primul.
-Fata, ca mai are sanse de supravietuire dupa accident, raspunde al doilea.
-Pe amandoua, ca orice viraj e periculos in aceste conditii, zice si al treilea.
-Sunteti picati toti, tipa instructorul exasperat. Frana trebuie calcata, dobitocilor!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 04 Aug 2005, 10:18 
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Location: Deutschland :)
Noi suntem in masura sa mai linistim populatia, deoarece tocmai am interceptat un alt mesaj, trimis catre organizatia centrala de un membru al unei celule teroriste aflate in tara noastra:

"Salutam cu rezbect, jefu'.


Aderizat la Romania cu bomba la valiza ascuns bine; dragut fara problem control aerobort, fiindca mai gasit un bagaj pierdut pe drum. Pastrat dolar american blestemat, pentru construit aigea bomba noua; dat jumadate la daxi, jumatate furat tigan din buzunar.
Indilnit frate Ahmed, patron magazin, ajudat la mine. Discutat cu el la cafenea plan bomba, consumat egler proaspat, intoxicat zalmonel, noi ajuns spital, doctor roman durut la cur.
Jefu', gu bomba praf antrax nu putut facut la Romania, deci ingergat plan bomba cu bum-bum!
Mutat apartament frate Ahmed, adus mult frumos aminde tara mia, fara apa la robinet. Urmarit emiziuni explozia camion azotat, facut frica la mine.
Astia romani are tupeu nu gluma! Trebuie recrutati, jefu! Bomba cu azotat mare efect aveam!
Inderesat pilotat avion pentru lovit gladire la roman; vazut delevizor aparat zbor MIG prabusit singur in ogorul taranului, plus roman stricat singur gladire, adormit beat, tigara aprinsa, murit zoagra, facut chef mare la ei.
Draga jefu', gineva furat la mine gas pastrat bentru bus la bomba, iar azeara, gind iesit cumparat baglava,exblodat budelie la parter. Aicia la Romania , mult cretin! Zberiat, zguibat la zin, cacat pe mine de frica!
Jefu, ma indorg agaza! Asta romani nu are nevoie de terorism, face singur treaba noastra."

Saleem.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 08 Dec 2005, 18:10 
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Location: Deutschland :)
Una din pildele Internetului:

De cati forumisti este nevoie pentru a se schimba/inlocui un bec?

-1 pentru a schimba becul

-1 pentru a posta si anunta ca becul a fost schimbat

-14 pentru a impartasi experiente similare si a arata noi modalitati de schimbare a becului

-7 pentru a avertiza asupra pericolelor ce apar la schimbarea becurilor

-27 pentru a corecta greseli gramaticale aparute in posturile despre schimbarea becurilor

-53 pentru a lua la misto pe cei ce au corectat greselile gramaticale

-2 profesionisti in domeniu care sa atraga atentia ca termenul corect este ''lampa''

-15 care sa pretinda ca au lucrat in domeniu si termenul ''bec''este la fel de corect

-109 care spun ca forumul nu este despre becuri si discutia trebuie mutata pe un forum despre becuri

-111 care sustin ca atata timp cat toti folosim becuri, discutia este utila
pe forum

-306 pentru a discuta care sunt cele mai bune metode de a schimba becuri, care sunt cele mai bune, de unde se pot cumpara si cat costa

-27 pentru a posta linkuri catre siteuri unde pot fi vazute diverse modele de becuri

-14 pentru a spune ca linkurile nu sunt corecte si a posta pe cele corecte

-33 pentru a cita tot ce s-a postat pana in momentu respectiv si a raspunde ''si eu''

-6 pentru a atrage atentia sa se foloseasca functia ''cautare''

-12 pentru a posta ca ei renunta definitiv la forum din cauza divergentelor aparute pe marginea subiectului

-143 pentru a spune ''cauta intai pe google si daca nu gasesti nimic despre becuri atunci intreaba pe forum''

-16 posturi unde doi membri poarta o discutie total paralela cu subiectul

-24 posturi in care li se atrage atentia sa foloseasca mesajele private sau e-mailul

-1 moderator care sa avertizeze ca daca nu se inceteaza cu mesajele aiurea va inchide topicul

-1 membru nou al forumului care raspunde la 6 luni dupa ultimul post si totul o ia de la inceput...
:D :D :D

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 10 Dec 2005, 11:05 
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Location: Deutschland :)
Un mecanic înlãtura chiulasa de la motorul unei motociclete Harley Davidson, când zãreste un chirurg binecunoscut intrând în atelier. Chirurgul îl astepta pe sef pentru a discuta despre o reparatie la motocicleta sa. Mecanicul l-a strigat:
- Hei, doctore, pot sã-ti pun o întrebare? Chirurgul, putin surprins, se apropie de mecanic. Acesta se ridicã, îsi sterge mâinile si întreabã:
- Doctore, uitã-te la acest motor, îi deschid inima, îi scot valvele, repar stricãciunile, apoi le pun înapoi si, când termin, merge ca nouã. Atunci cum se face cã eu am un salariu mic, iar dumneata câstigi bani grei, fãcând practic acelasi lucru? Chirurgul a zâmbit si i-a soptit:
- Încearcã sã faci asta cu motorul pornit... :shock: :D

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"The Red Hawk" - Alfa 156 1.9JTD 115CP
Alfa 147 2.0TS Selespeed
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 Post subject: Funny Stuff
PostPosted: 04 Jan 2006, 13:16 
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Am initiat acest topic in care voi postati imagini haioase. Nu se accepta decat postarea UNEI SINGURE POZE PE ZI, PER USER!!!
Sa incep eu:
Ia uite ce-am vazut in Brasov... cum vine asta???


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File comment: Cum adica cel mai mic pret mic??? LOL
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 13 Jan 2006, 04:37 
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Admine ia aminte sa nu patim si noi asa :lol: :lol: :lol:


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 13 Jan 2006, 13:49 
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Doamne-Fereste!
Ce porcarie... Reclama concurentiala pe forumul Daewoo.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 16 Jan 2006, 19:42 
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ÃŽntr-o bună zi, la poarta raiului, un tip foarte ofticat...
Sfântu Petru îl ia de-o parte:
- Ce-i fiule, care e problema?
- Păi, nu se poate dom'le, uită-te la mine, am 35 de ani, sănătos, puternic, nu fumez, nu beau, nu sunt căsătorit... seara mă culc liniştit şi dimineaţa mă trezesc mort, în ceruri? Trebuie să fie o greşeală!
- Mmmm, nu s-a mai întâmplat pîna acum, da', în fine, să vedem... cum zici că te cheamă, fiule?
- Manivelă, Grigore Manivelă...
- Şi ce meserie zici că ai avut?
- Mecanic auto...
- Aha, gata, uite, am găsit fişa ta... păi s-a lamurit, fiule, uite, aici scrie că ai murit de bătrîneţe!
- De bătrîneţe?!?? Cum de bătrîneţe?
- Păi da, că am însumat orele de manoperă din facturile tale, şi a ieşit că ai peste 100 ani..... :bigeyes: :D :D :D

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"The Red Hawk" - Alfa 156 1.9JTD 115CP
Alfa 147 2.0TS Selespeed
Fiat Punto 1.9 JTD 8v


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 16 Jan 2006, 20:20 
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Gheorghe Manivela, mecanic Auto Italia :haha:

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 16 Jan 2006, 20:36 
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Am ras de m-am nenorocit la bancu asta. LOOOL!

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Alfa 147 2.0TS Selespeed
Fiat Punto 1.9 JTD 8v


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 17 Jan 2006, 00:27 
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Joined: 26 Aug 2005, 21:18
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Tare rau! :lol:


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 17 Jan 2006, 00:51 
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Cateva citate din http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/What_I_Did ... ut_Romania, foarte fun daca aveti rabdare sa cititi !!

Driving
Romania is a world with absolutely no speed limits. It's a country full of Michael Schumachers and Valentino Rossis. Only the best survive. Romanian drivers are not superstitious, they don't believe in signs (road-signs) so you better not be a pedestrian (they're not superstitious either, but i never heard of a pedestrian smashing into a vehicle, only the opposite). If you try to switch the lane don't EVER give a signal, you will only let the others know what you want to do so they can block you. Just switch the lane and give the signal after (so the Garcea officer can see you tried at least). Romanian drivers have the unusual habit on slowing down when they see a white vehicle parked on the roadside (even more if it's written "ECILOP"/"AITILOP" on it). If you see a driver with his neck on the steering wheel... well... it's not HIS neck, it's HER neck. Watch it... women don't switch lanes, they just drive on both of them at the same time... to be sure they don't hit something on the roadside (which they do anyway, cuz they will have to park the car eventualy). If you see a car parked by an angle of more than 30` to the sidewalk, you can be sure SHE did it. Don't try to tell someone (driver or pedestrian) he's wrong. You'll get to hear a lot of words referring to reproductive organs and close relatives or even get a physical correction.! Another of the romanian driving habbits is to listen to a loud and distorded form of music called manele. It is said to enrich the driver with ultra-high reflexes and a loose mouth(slobod la gura). Another form of enlightement is talking on the cell phone while driving. This helps the driver concentrate on the road. The cell phone is usualy accompanied by a cigarette bought from the bisnitari (a form of high developed merchants), though nobody knows how the steering of the car actualy takes place in this condition. Romania is also the only country in the world where you can see a horse or donkey-driven carriage next to a Porsche Cayenne. If you think that carriages are ugly, you don't have to worry about seeing them at night, because they have absolutely no lights whatsoever. Some models have sophisticated cabins made of an old car, fitted with a steering wheel, cassette player and even an alarm. (But no lights!) Also here in Romania is very TARANESC - "Tzaranesc - Something really cool, but pretty basic, in order to be understandable by the peasants." to put neon lights under your car, even if by that you double the value of the car. Also you can meet various forms of home made aillerons - that should improve handling performances of the car (even if the car would reach 70 km/h only down the hill), and they are usualy combined with that strange form of music combined with very much noise and special distortion from car speakers - very low price combined with "good quality" - MANELE. Also if you don't wear a big gold-like bracelets on both hands, and very big rings - "GHIULURI - also something TARANESC (GHIULURI are hand made by nomad gipsyes from at least half a kilo of gold, in unique models that look very sheety)", you have more chances that a guy with a strange looking uniform who drives the car marked with ECILOP/AITILOP on the hood will stop you and ask you for SHPAGA. And you should know that GHIULURI is a must with at least two golden teeth - fitted in a very very visible place in your mouth so everybody can see how rich you are.

Driving In Bucharest
easy steps :
- if the street is full, drive on sidewalk
- if the sidewalk is full,go on the local river(Dambovitza),it has 3 speed lines
- if u`re lost,ask a local make [romanian : machedon aka tzantzar (mosquito)] to show u the way.hint : always take the opposite dirrection.
- if you get are stopped by street police due to traffic misconduct, tell them your uncle is a senator or bribe them (from 20 RON to 150 RON, depends on what rule u broke)
- if you are waiting for some pedestrians to cross the street at the street crossing, it is polite to start a conversation (as you'll have plenty of time) - for example:
if one of the pedestrians is a man and he has burried his hands inside his jeans pockets, you could say something like "Bai, scoate mainile din buzunar ca-ti mananca *cenzurat* unghiile." which means "Yes sir, you can never be too careful around this neighborhood - a lot of thieves are after your "*cenzurat*" (money)."
if one of the pedestrians is a woman, you can start a conversation by saying something like "Fa, misca-te mai repede ca masina asta calca nu fute!" which means "Hi! I'll be glad to give you a lift!".
- the only rules of driving in Bucharest are the above rules. However, if you're not careful while driving in Bucuresti, you might get a mooje *cenzurat*.
- and last but certainly not least, you can't be a propper romanian driver if you can't swear propperly. and you definitely can't be a bucharest driver without being able to swear for 30 minutes without repeating yourself.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 17 Jan 2006, 01:57 
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Joined: 30 Oct 2005, 23:08
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Ca de obicei, n-am unde sa parchez...


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 17 Jan 2006, 01:58 
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Pfaaaa... :shock:
Si n-ai dat o tura cu ele? :twisted:

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 17 Jan 2006, 01:59 
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Joined: 30 Oct 2005, 23:08
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spuneti si voi marcile ce le vedetzi..
:D


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 17 Jan 2006, 02:09 
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Pai vad numai bunatati... doua Enzo ici-colo, un Rolls colea, ce sa mai zic... suficient sa ma bage in boala! :headscratch: :wallbash: :marinar: :run:

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 17 Jan 2006, 02:09 
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Joined: 16 Sep 2005, 16:27
Posts: 311
Location: Botosani
pai eu vad un x5 un s65amg presupun :) vad si 3 italiene.. 2 enzo si un f430 .. pagani zonda.. si peugeotul ala e 407 siluetthe nu? nu stiu sigur cum se scrie si vad si un lamborghini negru in spate? a si un rolls royce phantom era prea mic si nu`l vedeam langa pagani nu stiu sigur ce e. a si un porsche gt2 cred ca e.. ia neagra sunt destul desigur ca e un murcielango

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 17 Jan 2006, 02:11 
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Si nu te-ai inbolnavit vazandu-le pe toate astea laolalta?

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 17 Jan 2006, 02:18 
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Joined: 30 Oct 2005, 23:08
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Location: Berghem
Recapitulam:

Pagani Zonda
MG ZF
Rolls-Royce Phantom
BMW X5
Mercedes Classe S
Porsche 996 Turbo S
2 Ferrari Enzo
Ferrari 360
Peugeot 407 Silhouette
Lamborghini Gallardo

:lol:
cred ca cel mai bogat e cel de la benzina..hihihi!!!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 17 Jan 2006, 02:24 
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Ochiul si mana fug repede...
Multzam!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 17 Jan 2006, 02:25 
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:D Cu placere!

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 17 Jan 2006, 03:30 
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Iar a skos prietena mea Enzo-ul negru din garaj? Ufff... Am rugat-o frumos de atatea ori sa nu mai umble decat cu Murcielago-ul ei, dar deh, asa-s femeile, ce sa le faci :haha:

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 17 Jan 2006, 03:39 
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Joined: 07 Nov 2005, 14:54
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vezi ca mi-a zgariat pagani-ul cu el
paaay!!! :deal:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 17 Jan 2006, 18:34 
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Prea tare! :shock: :D :D :D :twisted:


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